Raised in domestically challenged environment, worked as early as 9 years old, raised 10 of his siblings and had to bear "his hot tempered and good for nothing"' father on a daily basis. I'm talking bad about my grandfather? Yes. It is what it is.
A very tough life creates a no-nonsense person.
Because of his upbringing was lack of father figure, he went to 180 degrees when dealing with his own family. He worked so hard to make sure we were well fed, we have place to stay, we go to school and got a job.
But because of his upbringing too, he is not good in creating emotional bond with his kids. I never heard he told me he is proud of me or he loved me. I can't remember any beautiful father-daughter moment when I was kid. Watching my friends having all of that with their father making me feel like "am I ever supposed to be here? am I not worth the love that I deserve?". Until now, I have a vivid memory on a series of events, when he kept telling other people about my 'mistakes'. It crushed me inside. I took the blame, thinking that I'm not good enough, I should have done better then only Abah will pay attention to me. For years I live by it, even when he is not around anymore.
I understood, that people's action was based on, the little that they knew and the thought process that they familiar with. Looking back to his life, I believe his inner child was traumatized to the core. He longed for his father to be the-supposedly father figure For. The. Longest. Time until he finally gave up. For him his father merely a person that he knew he need to respect and nothing else so he did.
He himself never experienced what is like to receive a love from a father and that make me realized, that is the reason he hardly showing it to us. And literally as I'm typing this, I realized ...How can you expect someone to give you something that he doesn't have? Allahu.....
I feel bad.
I feel really bad for the resentment that I have all these years and blame him for not giving me the picture perfects father when he himself have a little knowledge about it. His love language was making sure we are well fed, we have a place to stay, we go to school and got a job. His love language was to give us the basic needs when he didn't even get it when he was little and that makes me proud of him.
He broke the cycle.
He didn't turned out like his father.
He became much better than his father.
Alhamdulilah. I thank you for everything Abah and I truly forgive you.
You have done such an amazing job in completing your mission in this world.
It was hard but you did it!
I will make you proud too, inshaa Allah. Its ok. You can tell me later when we meet 😊
I'm super proud of you, my Antares.
You just sit back and relax up there.
I will see you from time to time ok?
I Love You and Missed you to the moon and back.
Nanti Jumpa di Sana.
Ila.
