But still, I feel grateful towards Allah because The Most Merciful always let me faking "I'm strong" demeanor.
Never in million years did I ever thot of taking LSD yet it happened, circa July 2022 and I glad I did. Wasn't really feel anything at first except my head feel heavy and keep seeing cartoon with BIG head. My hands were shaking and it was fully kicked in when I was in the middle of a session with Sifu. I guess LSD is anti climax.
A sudden rush of unworthiness, humiliation, the excruciating grieving, hopelessness and all the dark thots hit my head, my heart and my soul. Tried to fight it the best that I could but failed miserably. Suddenly sobbing like a little kid when we were in the middle of the session. Sifu was confused at first I guess but he soon understood that LSD is kicking in. I cried like hell. Sobbing. Bawling. The last time I cried like that was when Abah passed away.
I cry it all out and just wanna cuddle and someone stroking my hair and tell me everything gonna be alright. Just like I wanted when I cried 30 years ago. Yeah I hardly get it 30 years ago thus my inner child still yearned for it. No part of me that not feel ashamed of what happened that night. The cry, the telling most of my wounded stories and the vulnerability to my core. Thank God the worst story is still safe in me. I will killed myself if the story ever gotten out of my mouth.
I honestly hate telling people about me, be it good news let alone rotten story. Guess I was not really being heard when I was a little girl. But things happened for a reason right?. Anyway, I'm not gonna lie, I felt relief after bawling like crazy (the swollen eyes scared the shit out of me when I look in the mirror). Felt relief because someone hear my story and not judging me and still say nice things to me. Thanks Sifu. Big Time. Like he said, we just want a safe space. To be heard without being judged. Who wouldn't want that right? some people good at asking for it and some is me.
I involuntarily open up about that MF has scarred me in most of my 30s. Hating a person and let it affect you for more than a decade is absofuckinglutely a waste of time and energy and headspace. 1) The mother fucker lived rent free in my head 2) Let him control my emotion 3) I could have done better with my time and energy and my headspace. Holding on a grudge doesn't do any good. Like Sifu said "You hold the fire with the intention to throw it to him but you couldn't do it coz That.Just.Not.You. All you got was burnt hands".
Absobloodyfuckinglutely true.
Let go and let God.
SlowlWhen I stop crying, we sat at the balcony and looked at the star and ship-like-cloud was seen over the hill. Too bad, the moon was not seen at that time and we can only see the shining stars on the dark sky. A very pretty and magical dark sky. 1 particular star seems so bright and feel like as if it talked to me (or maybe the LSD). Antares is its name. Hello Antares, nice to meet you . The part that I remember the most was when I ask Sifu "Does God wanna hear me?" He said yes. Yeah.. I actually know Allah always listen but hear it from another breathing soul is confirming and comforting. As a flawed human, I sometimes believe that I'm unworthy to be listened to and I feel it that with human too. Hence, I'm a champion at keeping everything to myself. I don't want to bore people with my pity stories because they have their own battle too. Sifu said something that made me thinking, our story might be beneficial to others too and who are we to judge what others feel. Still, it could happened when we tend to overshare till other person sick of it. Hence take the middle path. So for me, share the story without asking ppl to feel sorry. Maybe I can try that.
But I can only do it with substance. Sigh.
I remember I cant stop smiling too, even though I don't feel like to smile . its weird. Like my face muscle has its own mind. Again , I think LSD is taking over my muscle. But thinking of that, we sometimes need to fake it until we make it coz I do feel relief and happy and the smile is eventually genuine. Letting your story out of your chest is liberating.
After a dip in the bathtub, we sat at the corridor again and guess what?! The full moon is there! shining so bright and beautiful as if the moon knew I feel lighter. SubhanAllah! so beautiful. So bright. Yeah , Allah heard me. He knows I tried my best putting myself together especially when I hit rock bottom. I felt as if He wanted to tell me that "Trust me, Have faith in me, I will never leave you alone. Never was. Never will. You will smile soon and will shine bright like the moon."
Wallahi I will.
Thanks Sifu for this meaningful trip.
Still got a lot to talk about this trip but lets save it for later.
Anticipating round 2 on LSD with or without anybody.
